Learning when to say ‘no’ to others and ‘yes’ to yourself.
Do you struggle to say ‘no’? Are you the person that volunteers yourself to fix everything for everyone else?
If you are nodding your head, you are not alone! I speak to so many people who feel like they are always responding to everyone else’s needs, trying to please everyone else. It is really common for anyone who is in any caring role (parents, grandparents, carer) and / or has people pleasing tendencies. Often this leads to you feeling like you never get time to do the things you had hoped to do, maybe your personal goals are always the last thing you come to, by which point you are exhausted and want to go to sleep or slump on the sofa. It is a real challenge and struggle, to find the balance between helping others and being there for your family, friends and colleagues whilst also making time for you too. It is something that I believe needs to be a continual conversation you have with yourself.
This is something that I have struggled with and still do. I have a really vivid memory of returning to work , following maternity leave with our first child. I felt like I was drowning underneath everything, bringing mountains of work home with me, and only ever feeling like the mountain became bigger. I am that person that volunteers to do the thing in meetings that no-one else wants to do, when everyone else has their head down. I am the person that says “yes” even though I am screaming inside with “where on earth am I going to fit that in”. During a coaching training day, we worked through some strategies that enabled me to recognise I did have a choice and that with some clarity I could make informed choices, and say yes when it was right for me, and no when it wasn’t. When I then took this back to my boss, her response was “Hallelujah! I was waiting for you to come to me and say I can’t do it all”.
When does saying ‘Yes’ become a problem?
It isn’t about saying no all the time and never helping others. It is about being aware of your choices and your capacity. It is about recognising that you do in fact have a choice, as hard as it can be. Caring for others is actually associated with lots of well-being indicators for the carer and the receiver. However, the key thing is that you feel there is a choice. When you find yourself doing things out of a sense of duty, this is when you need to make sure that you are nurturing yourself too.
Stress can be seen as any situation in which the expectations of you, exceed your capacity, resource or ability. The expectations can be from others and from yourself. When you find yourself over committing to things, saying to yes to please everyone else, but in reality you don’t actually have the time or energy to do it all, this is when you need to take stock. You can’t be in multiple places at once. You are not an endless pot of energy. Next time that someone asks you to do something, be brutally honest with yourself: do you have the capacity, resource or ability in that moment?
I often hear people saying that they never have time for the things that they want to be doing. Or they don’t have the time or energy. For me this quote from Paulo Coelho is the key thing to consider:
When you say “yes” to others, make sure you are not saying “no” to yourself.
By saying yes to please everyone else, are you actually sabotaging your own health and happiness?
I know that these are tough questions to consider, especially when you are a parent or a carer. The people you care for are the ones that make your world go round and you would do anything for them. I get that. This is why it can be helpful to have some strategies to help guide your decisions, so that you can promote the health and happiness of you all, not at the expense of you. Ultimately, you want to be able to say yes to the things that really matter to you, that you have the capacity to do.
What are the things that really matter?
There can be lots of reasons why you keep finding yourself nodding your head, and putting everyone else’s needs ahead of your own. It is often referred to as being a “people pleaser”. Wanting to keep others happy, wanting approval from others etc.
One of the first things to do, is to stop looking outwards to everyone else for approval and validation, and finding it for yourself. To enable you to truly make choices that work for you, you need to know what really matters to you. Not to other people. Not your parents. Not your partner. Not your children. Not your friends. Not your colleagues. For you. What are the things that make you tick? What are your values and principles that you want to use to guide you through life? This is like your moral compass. It is the bedrock which you come back to, and the place you make your choices from. This enables you to live a life that is true to you, rather than being affected by everything and everyone around you.
If you make your decisions and act from a place of your values and principles, you will be living a more fulfilling and honest life.
Grab a piece of paper or your notebook, and start mapping out what values and principles you want to live by.
What are your non-negotiable, priorities?
In addition to recognising your values and principles, it is really important to identify what your non-negotiable priorities are right now. What are the things that you really want to be able to give time and energy towards at the moment?
What are the things that you really want to focus on right now? I would strongly urge you to limit yourself to 3 priorities, and 1 of those to be something that is all about you! What is it that you keep getting really frustrated by, that you never seem to get time for? Exercise goals? Getting to bed earlier? Getting up earlier? Learning a new skill? Reading?
You are about to make a commitment to these priorities. So ask yourself, why? Why do you want these to be non-negotiable? What will they bring into your life? What will it do for you? Why is it important? For example, for me I have really been struggling to make the time and space for my cycling. I am reminding myself how important this is in my life, how it benefits so many things for me. I feel more patient and tolerant (important values for me), I sleep and eat better, I feel healthier and increase my productivity and creativity within my business.
When you are considering if you can say yes to something else, ask yourself, am I saying no to my priorities?
What capacity do you have?
Now that you are clear on what matters to you, and what your priorities are, lets get really clear on what time and resource you actually have available. This will help you a) be realistic with your expectations for the priorities you have identified and b) to know whether you have any space and energy to offer to other things.
Again, you need to be brutally honest with yourself with this. What are the fixed things (work, school runs etc)? What other things are you committed to? Be realistic with yourself, for example, if in the evenings you are zonked and no good for anything, don’t say you have 4 hours every evening!
Should you say yes or no?
If you remain clear on what matters to you, what your priorities are and what capacity you have, you can make informed choices. You can use your time and energy in a way that best suits you and those that you care about. When deciding whether to say yes or no, consider the following questions:
- Do I have capacity (time, energy or resource)?
- How does it impact on my non-negotiable, priorities?
- How does it fit with my values?
Use these as guidance points, not a rigid protocol! Your life is a complicated web of factors, and you need to respond to the changing demands. However, using these 3 questions will enable you to consider your own needs and not always push them to the bottom.
If you struggle to say ‘No’ in person, create yourself a response that allows you time to think about it and then respond when you feel more comfortable. For example, “Can I get back to you when I have checked my diary?”.
And remember, saying ‘No’ does not make you a selfish person or a bad person.
