Confidence is something that psychologists struggle to define because it is changeable. It’s not all or nothing. Lots of people think it is something you have or you don’t, but that is not the case. I feel confident in some situations (my coaching, delivering workshops) and really low confidence in other areas (big social groups).

Self-esteem and confidence tend to be used quite interchangeably, but actually refer to slightly different things:

Confidence is the feeling or belief that you can have faith in or rely on someone or something.

Self-esteem is a belief about your capability, significance, success or worthiness.

They are both about your beliefs and perceptions of yourself, rather than fact. The problem is, that we are not very reliable at evaluating our own qualities and capabilities because we have a negativity bias – we are more likely to focus on the things that aren’t good enough, than the things that are good.

When I ask people to tell me what they are good at, they can find it really challenging, whereas, if I ask someone what they aren’t very good at, they can often give me a comprehensive list.

When people think that they are not capable, or worthy, or good enough it can negatively affect all areas of their life (Relationships with family, friends, romantic, work / career, Leisure, health)

It can often leave people feeling stuck, and that they are not living a decent quality life and lack motivation to try new things.

To build your confidence and self-esteem, change the spotlight from what you can’t do to what you can do, to the qualities that make you the person that your friends and family love, and to the things you have achieved and your successes.

One of the first things I encourage people to do, is to think about when and where you feel confident? What does it look like? What does it feel like? What can you learn from these situations?

Some other great things to do for yourself are creating some lists:

Things I’m proud of.

Think of the whole of your life, right back to primary school, and begin to create a list of all the things that you have achieved, all the things that made you feel proud, or your family / friends were proud of. I am not talking about ‘wow’ moments – everything.

Things that make me, me.

Think of all the positive qualities that make you, you. What are the positive things that people say about you. E.g. friendly, funny, reliable …. 

If you struggle to think of things to put on either of these lists, ask your family or friends to help you. Ask them what they would put on your lists.

These strategies have helped people to feel more confident in different situations:

• Applying for new jobs and attending subsequent interviews (and getting the jobs!) It has helped lots of different people move from a place of thinking that they had nothing to offer an employer, and no point in applying to being excited and believing that they did have things to offer.
• Have conversations about their businesses with prospective clients, and in networking situations.
• Returning to work after maternity leave.
• Trying new hobbies.

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